Plumwhere Over the Rainbow
by legalliz
Summary: Stephanie Plum is after another skip...in Kansas. Apologies ahead of time for all the probable eye rolls and sighs. Yes, this is a spoof on The Wizard of Oz. Enjoy!


_Disclaimer: All familiar characters and settings belong to the delightful Janet Evanovich. The silly story and all of its possible mistakes belong to me._

Would someone please remind me why exactly I drove halfway across the country for a skip? Oh yeah, I remember. It's because of that crazy little thing known in my line of work as a body receipt. Or, more specifically for me, a nice paycheck.

My name's Stephanie Plum, and most days I work in Trenton, New Jersey as a bond enforcement agent. For those of you living under a rock, that's just fancy lingo for a bounty hunter. People get picked up for illegal activity and a bonds office like my cousin Vinnie's loans them money for bail so they can be out and about while waiting for their court dates to come up. Problem is, sometimes those people don't really want to show up for their court dates, so they don't. That's usually where I come in. I find them and drag them down to the police station to schedule a new court date. Whether they want to or not.

And that's how I got involved with a tricky little lady called Dottie. Things probably wouldn't have been so bad for Dottie if she wasn't so short-tempered and impulsive. Her file said she and her husband were enjoying a nice evening dinner together when her husband thought he should voice his opinions about her cooking. Word to the wise: unless you're going to compliment your wife's cooking after all the time and effort that went into it, might be wise not to say anything. But he did. Said the pot roast was dry and flavorless. So Dottie thought she'd spice up his meal with a little rat poison. We've all been there, right? Maybe it's a really bad day or maybe it's just PMS. All I'm saying is that I _totally_ get it.

Unfortunately, Dottie's husband had a preexisting heart condition and didn't digest the rat poison all that well. In fact, he's now eating the remainder of his pot roast dinners with St. Peter at La Café De La Pearly Gates. The judge didn't quite understand Dottie's reasoning for the rat poison, so she was charged with murder, and my boneheaded cousin Vinnie thought it would be a great idea to post her insanely high bail while she awaited her sentencing. As it turns out, it was a bad idea. A _really_ bad idea.

As is the case with most women, Dottie decided the orange jumpsuit look just wasn't going to work for her, so she became conveniently unavailable when her court date rolled around. Who saw that one coming? Apparently not Vinnie. So of course Dottie's file lands on my desk. Or it would have if I actually had a desk.

I did some digging and found out that good ole Dottie was being predictable and staying with a friend. Piece of cake. I'd just show up, take her by surprise, cuff her, and haul her away in my rig. Then Vinnie could stop sweating bullets, and I could enjoy a nice chunk of change to pad my bank account for those pesky dry spells at the bonds office. Who knows? Maybe I'd even pay off one of my credit cards.

Of course, I've learned the hard way that dealing with skips hardly ever goes according to plan. Dottie was no exception. I showed up at her friend's place all ready with my take-down plan and even tried going the nice route by asking her politely to come with me to the police station to reschedule her court date. She didn't even give me a chance to finish my spiel. Instead she went completely ballistic, hurling whatever she could get her hands on straight at my head. By this time, I was done with my "nice" routine and shifted straight into my "tough as nails" routine. And I probably could have cuffed her and hauled her away if she hadn't sprayed me with a fire extinguisher. Or stolen my car. It was definitely one of those low points in my career as a bounty hunter.

Suddenly Dottie became slightly smarter than I initially gave her credit for because the next thing I know, she's conveniently skipped town. No biggie. Normally I pass the out-of-town skips along to the more experienced bounty hunters, but as luck would have it, the more experienced bounty hunter that I normally like to hand things off to, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, or Ranger as he likes to be called, has recently focused his attentions more towards the security side of things. In fact, he's kind of starting up his own business. That's all fine and well for him, but it kind of leaves me in a bad spot with Vinnie.

Fortunately, Ranger has a bit of a soft spot for me. Probably because he's my mentor of sorts. And a friend. And maybe something beyond friend, but I mostly try not to think about that. Anyway, he told me he wouldn't be able to go after Dottie himself, but he'd pass along her description and my license plate number to some of his underground connections. Not even forty-eight hours later I received a call that Dottie had been spotted at a motel. In Kansas.

I debated what to do next. Kansas wasn't exactly right next door to Jersey. This little venture would probably take at least a few days. And that was being optimistic. My parents probably wouldn't be too worried about my absence. Especially if I worked the trip around our weekly dinner schedule and didn't fill them in on all the details until after I'd made it home all in one piece. But my sudden departure _would_ probably be a bit of a problem for my off-again on-again boyfriend, Joe Morelli.

Even though he was a plainclothes cop himself, he wasn't exactly always thrilled about my line of work. In my mind, it was kind of a double standard and was usually one of the main reasons we split up from time to time. Regardless, we were kind of currently in that "on" phase of our relationship, and I didn't want him freaking out if I wasn't in my apartment when he dropped by to see me. But I also didn't want a yelling match over Dottie either. I really could use the money.

Therefore, the next day, without a word to Morelli, I dropped off my pet hamster, Rex, with my friend Lula. Then I had her drop me by my parents' place to pick up my Uncle Sandor's '53 powder blue Buick for the trip. On the positive side, the Buick had proven itself to be practically indestructible on a number of occasions. On the flip side, the car handled like a refrigerator on wheels. It was going to be one helluva long drive to Kansas.

If I was in Dottie's shoes, I would've chosen a much more scenic location to hide out in. Who knows? Maybe she figured if she waited it out long enough here, whoever was looking for her would become restless or bored out or their minds and leave. She'd be right about the bored and restless part. And here I thought Jersey was bad. Unfortunately, money is a very strong motivator for me. Especially if I might be facing an eviction from my apartment. So I had already made up my mind that I wasn't leaving Kansas under any circumstances unless it was with Dottie, cuffed and tied down, in the back of my car.

After twenty or so hours of quality time in the Buick, seven cups of coffee from scary truck stops, and three boxes of Tastykakes, I finally arrived at the motel where I'd been told Dottie was staying. It was dumpy and practically out in the middle of nowhere. Not exactly the Hilton, if you know what I mean. But did I care? Nope. My ass was completely numb, my stomach was growling at a decibel I'd never even heard before, and my nerves were raw from too much caffeine and not enough sleep. Therefore, I got myself a room and immediately crashed. I was so tired that I hadn't even noticed the dark clouds gathering ominously in the distance and the winds that were just starting to pick up.

I woke up dazed and disoriented with the wind furiously rattling my window and sirens going off in the distance. Apparently something bad was happening outside, but I wasn't quite awake enough to put it all together. I groggily stumbled over to the window to see what was going on. Probably not the best idea considering the next thing I know, something crashed through the glass and then everything went dark.

I woke up with a splitting headache. Everything was blurry and out of focus, and it took me a few minutes before I even remembered where I was. Kansas. I was in Kansas looking for my latest skip, Dottie. And I'm pretty sure I'd just survived some crazy natural disaster.

I tried moving around to make sure I didn't have any serious injuries. It appeared my arms and legs were in decent working order, and there were only minor cuts and bruises on the body parts I could see. There was probably a lump on my head somewhere, but without a reflective surface to do a thorough inspection, I was just going to have to let it be.

The motel room was a mess. Furniture was all over the place, the window was busted, and there were holes in the ceiling where some of the roofing had been ripped away. Hopefully the Buick was still in one piece. If not, I'd be stranded.

With a little climbing, I finally made my way over to the door and yanked it open. The parking lot looked a lot worse off than the room. And there was no sign of Uncle Sandor's car. Rats.

There didn't seem to be a lot of movement around the motel. Probably because everyone had followed proper safety protocol and were now either underground somewhere or far from the disaster zone. I pulled out my cell phone, but of course the stupid thing didn't have any signal. No car, no phone, no Dottie. I was sunk.

Not really knowing what else to do, I went back to my disaster of a room and slumped on the broken mattress. Gosh, my head was really starting to hurt. Maybe I had a concussion.

"Hey Plum!" I heard someone call off in the distance.

Suddenly I was flooded with relief. "I'm in here!" I yelled back hopping off the bed and darting for the door. I ripped it open again, but no one was there. "Hello?" I called. "Anybody there?" Oh great! Now I was hallucinating.

"Umm…down here," I heard a familiar voice reply.

I looked down. "Oh no! Briggs? What are _you_ doing here?"

Randy Briggs was an acquaintance of mine from Trenton who occasionally popped up on my radar. Mostly uninvited. He wasn't exactly my favorite person to be around, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was a little height challenged. It had more to do with the fact that he was often cranky and used his midgetness to justify walking around with a bit of a chip on his shoulder. But he had helped me with a couple of my more interesting cases, and I'd payed him back by making sure he didn't wind up dead while we were trying to figure out who was attempting to kill him. It was beyond bizarre that he was now standing outside my motel room.

"I think the real question is what are _you_ doing here?" he replied. "You don't belong here. Shouldn't you be off making bad decisions and annoying people?"

"I _would_ be," I answered with a glare, "but I had to chase a skip over here. I got a lead, and the payout was too good to turn down."

Briggs looked around. "Doubt you'll find them in this mess. Got a plan B, Plum?"

"Not exactly." I heaved a sigh. I could feel myself starting to panic, so I instinctively began pacing. I walked clear to the other end of the parking lot, but to no avail. I was fresh out of good ideas. Or any ideas for that matter. Just as I was heading back towards Briggs, I nearly face-planted thanks to a large pile of rubble. I went to kick it in frustration until I realized there was a pair of legs poking out from underneath.

"Briggs, get over here!" I yelled as I started to pull some of the wreckage away from the body.

"What'd you find?" he asked trying to get a look at what I was digging through.

Well, crap. "I think I just found my skip," I frowned. "You think she's still…?"

"Oh no! Don't look at me. I ain't touching no body. Especially if it might be dead. That's _all-l-l_ you."

Here's the thing: I don't exactly do well with the whole dead body thing either. I mean, I've seen them, and I get that they're just part of that natural course of life, but they give me the willies. Still, I didn't think I could live with myself if I just let Dottie die here. With shaking hands, I reached down to feel for a pulse. Too bad. Dottie had indeed passed on to the next life.

I was just trying to figure out what to do about her body when I heard motorcycle wheels screech to a halt behind me.

"Get away from that body, Plum."

You've _got_ to be kidding me! How did _she_ wind up here?

"Hey Joyce. You ride your broom all the way out here?"

She scowled at me. "Dottie's mine. Vinnie gave me the paperwork to go after her."

"Well, Vinnie's not here, and I don't take orders from witches like you."

Joyce Barnhardt had been my arch nemesis since grade school. She was always trying to make my life miserable, and for whatever reason, I just couldn't get rid of her.

She pulled out a gun from her purse. "You better hand over Dottie, or I'll make sure you don't make it back to Trenton in one piece."

"What, you're going to shoot me?"

"If I have to."

Briggs was watching the exchange between me and Joyce with a little too much amused interest. "You know," I said to him, "you could help me out a little here."

"Nah, this is too much fun. Besides, she kind of scares me."

Me too. But only because she's a deranged, green-with-envy type. It probably wouldn't take much to push her over the edge. Wonder what she'd do if I threw a bucket of water in her face to cool her off? Maybe she'd just explode. Or become so full of rage that she'd completely lose her mind and wind up in a mental institution. Regardless, it might be worth trying at some point. Just for fun.

"I'm gonna give you to the count of three, Plum, to step aside. And then I'm gonna pull this trigger. One…two…"

She didn't make it to three because the next thing I know there's a loud shriek followed by a flash of dark skin and neon pink. "Eat dirt, Barnhardt!" Lula yelled as she landed with a loud thud on top of her. I immediately doubled over laughing.

Once I regained my composure, I headed over to Lula to help with Joyce.

"Mmmph," Joyce growled. "Get this crazy hooker off me!"

"What are you doing here?" I asked Lula ignoring Joyce's following string of expletives.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm here to rescue your cute butt. Pretty good timing, huh?"

I'll say. "What the heck are you wearing?"

"Thought this stunning neon pink dress would be good for a distraction."

Oh, it was distracting alright. But not because of the neon pink. It was distracting because it barely contained Lula. It followed suit with the majority of the rest of her slightly eccentric wardrobe: too low at the top, too short at the bottom, and way, way too tight all the way around.

"I'll file a lawsuit against you!" Joyce continued to yell. "Just you wait! You'll all be sorry!"

"Not likely. It's kinda comfy here. Maybe I'll just stay seated on top of you for a few more hours. Whatdya think, Plum?"

"You can do what you want, but I've gotta figure out a way to get home. Uncle Sandor's Buick is missing. And I've got a body to take back with me."

Lula frowned. "There's an impound lot not too far away. The sign said 'The Wiz' on it. Hard to miss, if you know what I mean." We both smirked. Guess everyone's a comedian these days.

"What should I do about Dottie?" I asked. Everyone turned to look at the body.

"Me and the runt can look after her until you get back." Lula offered.

"Who're you calling a runt?" Briggs scowled.

I shrugged. "Sounds alright to me."

I hated to be disrespectful to the deceased, but ever since I'd almost tripped over her legs, I'd been completely distracted by Dottie's gorgeous red pumps. They were awesome!

"I see you eyeing those heels, girl," Lula said with a smirk. "You think they're real or knock-offs?"

Only one way to find out. I reached down and inspected the shoe. Damn! They were gorgeous, authentic Louboutin's. And they looked to be just about my size…

"You touch those shoes, and I'll report you to the police!" Joyce yelled.

"Oh, shut your trap," Lula growled. "I think Steph deserves them. It's not like the skip's going to need them anyway."

Lula had a point. Maybe I could just try them on. Just for a minute to see what they felt like. Gosh, I couldn't believe what I was about to do.

"Damn, girl!" Lula exclaimed after I'd slipped the shoes on. "Those shoes look like they're just meant for you. Spin around!"

I did a cutesy little spin. They felt ah-mazing! But this was stealing from the dead, right? It was completely despicable.

"I'm not sure I can keep them," I frowned. "It's too…terrible."

"Ah, c'mon. It would be a real shame if those shoes ended up buried six feet under the ground. They were meant for so much more. I'm sure Dottie wouldn't even mind. Heck, she'd probably agree."

Ok, I liked Lula's logic. "Fine," I sighed. "Guess I'll give these beauties a new owner."

"That's the spirit," Lula smiled.

Just then, Joyce managed to wriggle herself into a position to bite Lula's leg. Lula jumped up with a yelp, and Joyce made a beeline straight for her motorcycle. "This isn't the last you've seen of me, Plum!" she yelled over her shoulder as she sped away in a cloud of dust.

"Guess that means I should get a move on to that impound lot. I don't think I'll want to be anywhere near here if Joyce comes back."

Lula was rubbing her leg. "Yeah, me neither."

"Which way did you say it was?"

"Just follow the yellow brick road," Lula winked. "Nah, just kidding. Once you get out of the parking lot, go West on the main road. You'll eventually run into the impound lot."

"Thanks," I hollered as I set off on my journey to find The Wiz.

Care to guess what Kansas is full of? Unfortunately, it isn't donut shops. And man could I have used a donut right about then. No, Kansas is full of fields! Miles and miles of endless fields. I'm pretty sure they went on forever, which didn't do much for my sanity levels because I was seriously starting to wonder looking out over the fields if there really was an impound lot out there at all. Or if it was all just some cruel joke.

But I kept going. Passing field after field. It probably wouldn't have been quite so bad if I had thought to bring someone along with me. Having someone to talk to is always better for these kinds of journeys. So what did I do? I started talking to myself. Just nonsense at first, but by the time I passed the five mile marker, I was into some really deep thoughts on some of life's great mysteries. Hey, at least it helped pass the time.

I was coming up on yet another endless corn field when I thought I saw something move off in the distance. It was probably nothing. Maybe a mirage. Or…maybe it was another person! Hooray! I may have found myself someone to talk to!

"Hey!" I yelled like an idiot. "Is anyone out there?"

Some of the cornstalks rustled. I frowned thinking it was probably just the wind playing tricks. But just as I was about to continue on, the cornstalks parted and out stepped a very familiar life form.

"Cupcake?" Joe Morelli asked incredulously.

"Joe? Oh, thank God! I thought I was losing my mind. What are you doing all the way out here?"

"I came to find you. I stopped by your place only to find it completely vacant. I wondered if you'd gotten yourself tangled up in another dangerous situation, so I thought I'd pay Vinnie a visit to see what you'd been working on. Got a lead on Dottie and followed you out here. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I needed the money?"

"Yeah, well _I'm_ going to need a new set of tires for my Explorer. One of them blew a couple states back, so I had to hitchhike the rest of the way out here. Let's just say it wasn't exactly a picnic."

I knew Morelli was just blowing off steam, but sometimes that man was all macho emotion and not a whole lot of brain. It was really annoying sometimes.

"Why are you all covered in straw?" I asked.

"To scare off the birds," he smirked. He brushed himself off a little. "Thought I'd take a shortcut through one of those fields back there. It was a little messier than I'd anticipated. What's with all these fields, anyway?"

"I know, right? I bet there's more livestock here than people." We both laughed. "I'm glad you found me," I said with a small smile.

"Me too. Where's your skip?" Morelli asked. "Or your transportation for that matter?"

"My skip wasn't as successful at surviving a recent natural disaster as I was, and I have absolutely no idea what happened to the Buick. I'm on my way to an impound lot to see about purchasing a new set of wheels. Care to join me?"

Morelli smiled and linked his arm in mine. "What the hell. Why not?" So the two of us continued on in our quest to find The Wiz.

After another few miles, my feet were starting to ache. Could have been because I was wearing red pumps instead of comfortable sneakers, but I was never going to take these babies off. They were too freaking adorable.

"I think I'm gonna need to rest here soon," I sighed.

Morelli looked back at me with a mischievous grin. "You think a quick romp in one of these fields might give you that boost of energy you need?"

"Ew, no!" I glared at him. "What if we rolled in fertilizer?"

"Yeah," he frowned. "That definitely _would_ put a damper on things."

We walked a few more paces. Morelli looked back at me again. "Think you can last a few more minutes?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Possibly. Why?"

"Looks like there's some kind of dining establishment on the other side of the road up ahead. Probably not anything fancy, but we could rest a minute and grab a bite to eat. How's that sound?"

"Like music to my ears," I sighed. Morelli grinned.

After another mile or so, we were standing outside a building that was in desperate need of repairs. The sign out front said "The Orchard," and I couldn't tell if it was trying to be a dive bar or a diner. I guess at this point, neither Morelli nor I really cared all that much. As long as it had food, water, and a working toilet, we were good to go.

We casually made our way inside. The place was kind of cute. In a broken-down, middle-of-nowhere kind of way. I took a seat in a booth while Morelli hit the bathroom. Just as I was about to peruse the menu, I noticed yet another familiar face sitting up at the bar.

I got up and walked over. "Ranger?" I asked.

He swiveled on his bar stool to face me. "Babe."

Holy crap! "What are _you_ doing in _Kansas_?"

He shrugged. "Saw a weather report that had me worried. I tried calling to see if you were ok, but it kept going to voicemail. Came to make sure you were still breathing."

Ranger was eyeing me with that seductive stare that always gave me goosebumps. He looked me over until his eyes stopped at my feet. His mouth twitched a little in amusement.

"Nice shoes."

"Lula said I deserved them," I said trying to smile. I was still feeling a little guilty about taking them from Dottie.

"I'll bet. Probably would go great with anything…or nothing," he said taking a bite of an apple slice from his plate.

I grabbed one of the other apple slices hoping to change the subject. "Only you would be eating an apple in a diner full of hamburgers, hot dogs, and French fries."

He shrugged. "The place is called 'The Orchard.' Probably has the best apples in town."

I tried a bite of the apple. It was true, it did taste good. Really good, in fact. But it was probably because I was nearing starvation. My guess is even brussel sprouts would've tasted good at this point.

"Not meaning to sound rude, but you wouldn't happen to have one of your lovely cars outside, would you?"

Ranger frowned. "I flew in. Got a ride here from one of my connections. I was waiting on another ride when you showed up."

"Well that sucks."

"Something happen to your transportation?"

"Doesn't something _always_ happen to my transportation?"

"Good point. What was it this time?"

"Natural disaster," I said casually taking a sip from his glass of water.

He smirked. "Babe."

Just then Morelli sauntered back from the restrooms. He looked around for me until his eyes caught sight of Ranger.

He came up behind me and rested a hand on my shoulder. "This muscular meathead bothering you, Cupcake?" he asked.

Ranger's eyes narrowed a little. "Good to see you too, Morelli."

Truth is, Ranger is more like the man of steel. Or some kind of metal. His body is rock hard and deliciously covered in melt-in-your mouth mocha skin. I've been tempted to nibble on him during a few moments of weakness, but I have a feeling Ranger's sole focus right now is on his quest for redemption from his dark past. He's on a mission to reclaim his heart…and maybe even his soul. And I have a pretty good idea that mission doesn't include anything remotely close to a long-term relationship. So I keep those nibbling fantasies to myself.

"Come on, Cupcake. Let's grab that bite to eat so we can be on our way."

Ranger raised an eyebrow. "Where are you two headed?"

"We're off to see 'The Wiz,'" I snickered.

Ranger stared at me like I was from Mars.

"There's an impound lot not too far from here," I continued. "I was going to drop by to pick up a new vehicle to get home."

"Mind if I tag along?" Ranger asked. I could tell he enjoyed watching the steam escape from Morelli's head while I considered the question.

I'm not sure why I did it, but the reply just seemed to slip out. "Sure. The more the merrier."

Morelli glared at Ranger as he finished his apple slices. Suddenly I was a tad worried that this little adventure might erupt into the beginnings of World War III. Two men with peculiarly high levels of testosterone in such close proximity was probably a recipe for disaster. Oh well.

Ranger stepped out for a few minutes to make some calls while Morelli and I ordered a few quick things to go. The next thing I knew, all three of us were headed down the road in search of The Wiz.

Care to guess what's worse than awkward silence between two men that care about you? You'd think it would be constant bickering, but I'm here to tell you that you would be wrong. It's actually two men bonding over awkward stories from your past and present. And unfortunately, one of these two men has known me practically my entire life, which means he knows _a lot_ of my awkward stories. And the other knows all of my awkward stories from work. Isn't that awesome? Tons of awkward stories to go around!

Needless to say, I spent the next several miles walking at a brisk pace ahead of the annoying duo, so that I didn't have to hear the husky laughing and the occasional whispers about God knows what. I was really starting to feel like I was trapped in a nightmare. Or maybe I was dead and had landed in that place with all the burning lakes. If Dante had written his book about my life, this definitely would have been one of my seven levels of hell.

To my absolute delight, I eventually noticed a warped and beat-up sign off in the distance. Lo and behold it was for "The Wiz's Impound Lot!" Yay! We were on the right track after all. Couldn't be much further now.

I stepped up my pace another notch. It was time to get this whole stupid journey done and over with. Well, at least the car part. I still had to go pick up Dottie's body and probably Lula and Briggs too. It was going to be one crazy, full ride back to Trenton.

I was nearing the beginnings of yet another exciting corn field when a massive beast came charging straight for me. Normally I wouldn't expect there to be beasts lurking about in Kansas, but for whatever reason one was here, and it was going to trample me. I dove to the ground just in time to watch it barrel past me.

As it went by, I suddenly noticed that the body didn't belong to a beast at all. It was some poor soul dressed in one of those big-headed sales people costumes. And from the looks of it, the costume was supposed to be a lion. The form collapsed somewhere out in the field, and out of idle curiosity, I followed it to find out what exactly just happened.

I heard some footsteps following behind me, which I assumed belonged to Morelli and Ranger. The corn was somewhat tall, so it took me several minutes to find Mr. Big-Headed Lion. He was cowering behind some tractor equipment when I finally found him.

"Umm…" I started.

"Please don't hurt me," a familiar voice pleaded.

"Oh my gosh. No way! Diesel?" I asked.

The lion removed his big head. "Stephanie?"

"Yeah. What are _you_ doing here?"

"I was working a mission."

I glanced for a moment at the lion suit. Then I shifted my attention to the sign hanging around Diesel's neck. It read, "Best prices in town. And we're not _lion_!" Ugh! Bad sales puns were terrible.

"Did you get demoted or something?" I asked.

"Ha. Ha. Actually, I was kind of undercover. Just looking for people like I always do."

"And you ran screaming like a little girl because…?"

"I was _not_ screaming like a little girl. I'm pretty sure the Grim Reaper was after me. I was just standing on the roadside waiting to make contact with my target when all the sudden this big black smoky form started coming at me, and then my blood ran cold. So I did what any warm-blooded body would do in my shoes. I ran for my life."

"Yeah, and you almost mowed me over in the process," I frowned. "You should really watch where you're going."

Diesel slowly stood up and looked suspiciously around. "You didn't notice a dark form lurking around when you came to find me, did you?"

"No."

Suddenly Diesel shrank back again behind the tractor equipment. "Oh my gosh! There it is! Don't let him take me!"

I looked around. There wasn't any sign of this Grim Reaper. Then I noticed a large black form on the ground.

"Diesel, I hate to break this to you, but I think you were running from your own shadow."

He stood up slowly, and peered out over the tractor gear. He moved his paw around then his backside. Then he breathed out an enormous sigh. "Well, that was close," he muttered. "Thought it was nearly the end there."

I rolled my eyes. "You are such a coward. It was your _shadow_."

"Listen sweetheart, if you ever encounter the Grim Reaper, we'll have this chat again, and you can tell me just how brave _you_ were in his company."

"Whatever."

Just then Ranger and Morelli trampled through some of the corn stalks. "There you are," Morelli sighed. "What the hell did you run off for?"

I turned my attention back to Diesel. Ranger took one look his direction then started making is way back out to the road.

"You two know each other?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"He can fill you in on that later."

"What's with the costume?" Morelli questioned picking up the lion head.

"It's a side job," Diesel shrugged. "What brings you three out to the middle of nowhere?"

Morelli looked over at me. "Cupcake here thought it might be fun to chase a skip all the way out to Kansas. "

"And how much fun are we having so far?" Diesel asked with a grin.

"Tons," I replied dryly.

"It probably would be more fun if you would have remembered to bring a car."

"Gee, why didn't I think of that?" I said sarcastically. "We're actually on our way to go pick up some new wheels."

"Let me guess. You're going to see The Wiz."

I nodded. "Yep."

"Funny you should be heading that direction. I actually need to ask him a few questions myself. Mind if I join your little posse?"

"I don't know. Ranger didn't look too enthusiastic about seeing you. You may want to find out if it's ok with him first."

Diesel frowned. "That guy's a real stick in the mud sometimes. But I have an offer he might find hard to refuse."

He walked back toward the road before I had a chance to question him further on that offer. It must have been good though because the next thing I knew, Diesel, Morelli, Ranger, and I were back on the road to find The Wiz.

It was getting late, and I was starting to think that every hay bale we passed was beginning to look more and more like a comfy pillow. I was still operating on a sleep deficit, and this little adventure to see The Wiz was taking way longer than I thought it would. And I was really feeling the need to find a bathroom. Like sooner rather than later, if you know what I mean.

When I finally started debating how many more steps I could take without having an accident, I decided to try and find an acceptable field to relieve myself. Of course, by this point, all the crops just had to be short. Eventually we came upon a decently sized tree, and I decided now was probably good a time as any.

"Hey," I started. "If you guys wouldn't mind continuing on ahead a little ways, I have some stuff I need to take care of."

All three men gave me the raised eyebrow.

"Stuff?" Morelli asked. "What stuff could you possibly have to deal with out in the middle of nowhere?"

Like I said, Morelli sometimes didn't use his brain. Ranger caught on first and started heading further up the road. Diesel followed, and then finally the lightbulb clicked on and Morelli joined them.

"Holler if you need us," he called back over his shoulder.

I went and snuck behind the tree. I was just about to unbutton my jeans when someone came at me from behind and put a gunny sack over my head. They dragged me somewhere off in the distance, and the next thing I knew, I was being situated on a motorcycle and whisked off to who knows where.

When the gunny sack was finally pulled off my head, I had a pretty good idea who would be standing in front of me. Sure enough, it was the wickedest witch in the world, Joyce Barnhardt.

"Joyce," I said through clenched teeth.

"Ah Stephanie, we meet again." She smiled over at a man I assumed was her accomplice. "Thanks to my new friend Jay here."

Jay was big but not overly muscular. His eyes were slightly vacant, and he was wearing a leather jacket with a big monkey on the back. It looked kind of creepy. What do you bet Jay was about as smart as an ape too?

"Hi Jay," I said. "Did our little friend Joycee here offer you big, shiny money to come nab me?"

"She offered to sleep with me," he answered honestly. Figures.

"Jay, dear, would you mind giving me and this little pain in the ass some privacy for a moment?" Joyce crooned.

Jay wandered off as instructed.

"So what's the scoop, Joyce? Why am I here?"

"Funny you should ask." Her eyes darkened a little. "Where's Dottie's body?" she scowled.

"How the hell should I know? I've been on the never-ending quest to go get a car."

"I know you have contact with the ho and the midget. Where did they take it?"

"Actually my phone hasn't had signal since yesterday when I got here. You can see for yourself."

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and handed it to her. She looked livid.

"Don't screw with me, Plum! Just tell me where the body is! I have to know where that body is!"

Joyce was now irate and long gone off the deep end. If I didn't figure out a way out of here fast, things could get a little scary.

"Listen," I began, trying to stay as calm as possible. "What if I agree to split the money with you?"

She looked at me like I was crazy. "No! I want _all_ of it! I _deserve_ all of it!"

"Fine," I conceded. "You can have all of it. It's been nothing but a pain in my butt anyway. I just want to go home."

Joyce turned around to consider the offer. I took that time to slide the rest of the way out of my binding ropes. Because while Joyce had been ranting like a crazed lunatic, I had discovered something: Jay the ape wasn't very good at tying knots.

I stood up and charged Joyce. It took her by surprise, which was exactly what I wanted. I scratched, kneed, elbowed, and bit for all I was worth. Unfortunately, I was just about to take her down when Jay the ape showed up with a gun in hand. Rats!

"Kill her!" Joyce yelled.

Jay started to aim the gun when suddenly all heck broke loose. Three very tired and pissed off men ambushed poor old Jay. Diesel drug him to the ground and slapped some cuffs on him. Ranger went and picked Joyce up off her feet and hauled her back over by Jay. Then he slapped some cuffs on her as well. Morelli walked over with a giant bucket of water.

"I think she could use a little cool down," he said. "What do you think?"

I couldn't agree more. I took the bucket of water and dumped it over her head. She sputtered and hissed like an angry cat. "I'm melting!" she screamed.

I rolled my eyes at her. "I think you'll live, you big baby."

The cops showed up a little while later. I snickered to myself as Joyce and Jay the ape were hauled off in the back of the police cruiser.

As the cops finished asking questions, I pulled one aside. "I have a huge favor to ask," I said. "Would you mind giving us all a lift to The Wiz's Impound Lot?"

The police officer shrugged. "Sure," he replied, like it was no big deal. Man, if he only knew…

We pulled into the impound lot just ten minutes before it closed. We walked over to the office and peeked inside. "Yoo hoo!" I called. "Anybody home?"

A gruff looking man came out from the back. He was older and had a scraggily, unkempt beard, a small pot belly, and a trucker's hat. "Hi," I said offering him my hand. "I'm Stephanie, and you would really make my day if you had a car I could buy off you to get home."

He muttered some things under his breath then disappeared again. Apparently he wasn't much of a social type.

After several more minutes, he reappeared. He slapped some papers on the counter. "Someone brought in a '53 Buick this afternoon. You interested?"

Hot dog! I knew that car was indestructible. "Actually," I said. "If you check that car's glove compartment, I think you'll find some insurance papers that should prove the car belongs to my family. I lost it yesterday during a freaky natural disaster."

The man nodded and disappeared again. Ten minutes later I was reunited with Uncle Sandor's classic car. Except there was something wrong with it. The whole back seat was gone.

"What the…" I frowned. "What am I supposed to do with this?" Suddenly out of nowhere Grandma Mazur appeared. "Grandma?" I asked in astonishment. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I dunno," she said raising her palms in the air. "Guess it's one of those right place at the right time deals. You know what you have to do, right?"

"Uh…no?"

"You have to choose, dear. There's only room for one additional passenger."

I looked back over my options. There was Morelli who sometimes could be a complete brainless idiot, but who I had also learned was the one who figured out where Joyce had taken me. Then there was Ranger, a stiff and sometimes cold individual who had oddly bonded with the other two men on this strange adventure. And lastly there was Diesel. Oh, who was I kidding? Diesel would never be the one I'd choose. It was obviously between Morelli and Ranger.

"The clock's ticking, dear," Grandma Mazur said.

I frowned. "Well, I guess if I have to choose, I'll have to go with…"

My eyes suddenly fluttered open. The room was bright and smelled strongly of assorted sterilizers and disinfectants. I was in a hospital.

I moved slightly, but stopped when I felt a sharp pain in my head. Ugh! Maybe my concussion had gotten worse. Was that even possible?

A nurse walked in and smiled at me. "You're awake."

"Yeah," I replied.

"I'll go get the doctor."

I waited for what felt like an eternity before the doctor came into my room. "You are one lucky woman," he began as he aimed his little flashlight to look into my eyes. "A table came through your window at the motel. Gave you a pretty nasty bonk on the head. And that was before the ceiling collapse. If you hadn't been partially under that table, you might not have survived the twister."

"Gee, thanks for telling me."

"Why didn't you evacuate when you heard the sirens?"

"I was in a sleep coma. Spent the previous twenty hours in my car trying to find someone."

"Well, I'm glad things worked out for you. You've got some pretty concerned friends waiting in the lobby. I'll let them know they can see you now." The doctor got up after writing a few things on my chart and headed back out the door.

A few minutes later, two familiar faces walked into my room. Morelli had a bouquet of flowers. Ranger had a box of chocolates.

"I let your parents know," Morelli said as he leaned over me and kissed me on the head. "Your mom was a real mess when I talked with her."

I frowned. "Yeah, sorry I didn't tell you where I was going."

Morelli glanced back at Ranger. "Fortunately, this guy likes to keep tabs on your vehicles. He let me know when you crossed state lines."

"Oh gosh!" I said suddenly. "I think Dottie's dead!"

Morelli raised an eyebrow. "What makes you say that?"

"I found her body," I said starting to tear up.

Ranger reached out and touched my hand. "It's all taken care of, babe. She's as alive as they come. One of my guy's found her shortly after the tornado trying to hitch a ride out of town. She's already been taken back to Jersey. You should have a nice paycheck waiting for you when you get back."

"Really?" I asked.

He nodded. "But what about The Wiz? And Uncle Sandor's Buick? What about the choice?"

Both men looked at me like I was nuts. "You were both there!" I stammered. "We went on the never-ending journey. And what about the sexy shoes?"

"Listen, Cupcake, I think you've had enough excitement for one trip to Kansas. Why don't you rest, and we'll get you home when you've had a little more time to recover?"

I leaned back into the pillows and started to shut my eyes. "Wait," I said as I started to sit up again. "You'll both be here when I wake up, right? You're not going anywhere?"

Both men smiled and nodded as they walked back out the door. I leaned back again on the bed. I'd learned two things from this whole disaster of a trip: if I never visited Kansas again, it would be too soon, and I definitely needed to lay off the old Judy Garland movies.


End file.
